Just Enough.

Word gifts from my friend Merriam-

Definition of enough

1:  in or to a degree or quantity that satisfies or that is sufficient or necessary for satisfaction :  sufficiently

Definition of sufficient

1. 
   a :  enough to meet the needs of a situation or a proposed end <sufficient provisions for a month>
   

   Definition of all

   :  nothing but :  only <all work and no play>:a :  completely taken up with, given to, or absorbed by <became all attention>b :  having or seeming to have (some physical feature) in conspicuous excess or prominence <all legs>c :  paying full attention with <all ears>

I stopped writing before Alex's adoption was finalized.  I just couldn't risk having my words twisted and potentially hold up the process. That is what I told myself. That and I just couldn't emotionally deal. I couldn't deal with the stress of the adoption and I couldn't deal with my move to Japan. So I stopped. I stopped writing...for like, two years. Two crazy wonderful, painful, excruciating, hard, amazing years where I didn't document ANYTHING that happened. I thought I would start writing again when we brought home our son. I thought, I can be an "adoption mom inspiration" and normalize what other adoptive moms may be feeling! Yeah...no. When Alex arrived home, I just couldn't. So much to say and yet nothing would come out.  

This one and a half year old little boy who we picked up from a Taiwanese orphanage and carried away in a taxi cab, screaming for his alma....the only mother figure that he had ever known- all I kept thinking was.,.. am I enough? Will I ever be enough? As the months progressed and the sleepless nights persisted; I felt depleted and quite frankly,  I didn't feel like I was doing life well. I thought that this little man that we had brought home was placed in the arms of the wrong mother. I felt my temper was too short, my patience... non existent. I felt that I was never going to sleep again.  I felt I needed to be more attentive, more interactive, more nurturing, MORE. MORE. MORE. I didn't feel like enough. 
Oh my friends,  the lies we tell ourselves.
The truth? I am enough but I will never be his ALL. That is the way it is supposed to be. I am human. I am a sinful creature and it's impossible. THANK GOD for that. It's too much pressure!!
At the end of the day, through my exhaustion I can sigh with relief knowing that I am not my son's be all end all...but I AM enough. It was by God's great design, that I was to be Alex's mother. What a sweet gift bestowed upon me. I pray that in the small moments of desperation that I never lose sight of the bigger picture.