Bliss: January 2020

"Fear you don’t own me

There ain’t no room in this story

And I ain’t got time for you

Telling me what I’m not

Like you know me well guess what?

I know who I am

I know I’m strong

And I am free

Got my own identity

So fear, you will never be welcome here"

It’s been a tough season. Tears streamed down my face as this song came on the other day while running countless errands in the car. I began thinking of this current season I am in and how paralyzing fear and unknowns can potentially be.

Thinking of past seasons and what could have been if we had let fear instead of trusting God take root, I turned around and looked at our Alex. Alex, who is so very quiet, but feels so, SO deeply, watched me, with tears streaming down my face as the words to this song played around us. My sweet boy, feeling my heart so deeply, also began crying. With silent tears streaming down his face, I pulled over the car, unbuckled my boy, and held him on the side of the road until we both nestled into one another and settled down.

If we had let fear rule our hearts, I would have never known the depth of a love this deep.

This boy, our son, whose referral we waited, prayed and waited some more for. This boy who was presented to us with so many unknowns; premature, birth complications, speech and fine motor delays. The paperwork, the waiting, the big business of it all.

Our boy who arrived and overcame. Ceaseless head-banging, sleepless nights filled with night terrors and uncontrollable emotional outbursts. Delays, and scary diagnoses and evaluations that spoke of autism and cerebral palsy. Neurological evaluations, Growth Hormone tests, speech therapy and occupational therapies….What if fear and the unknowns ruled our hearts?

In the thick of the season of when Alex came home, I could never have imagined half a decade later that we all would have grown so much…he has come so SO far. WE have come so far.

A few days ago Alex and I were in the car yet again and a familiar song came on the radio….