Saturday, August 26, 2017

Looking Up

Today is one of those days where I feel it is necessary to preface that I love my children because I'm going to be honest. 
I know there are stronger women than I out there.
But there are days I. just. can't.
The desire to run away is strong. 
I feel like I'm drowning. 
There is a permanent lump in my throat. Tears are bound to flow at a moments notice. 
I cry out for Jesus to just help me. Hold me. I feel weak, impotent, spent. 
I don't want to hear the whines, screams or crying. I don't want to be touched, pulled, kicked or peed on. 
Laundry mounts, sinks are full and everywhere I turn are goldfish crumbs. 
You've seen those hallmark movies or read the books, right? Where the mother flees the scene? We gasp and say we could never. 
I empathize. I feel that mother, because today? I. just.can't. 
My precious husband knows. He hands me the keys as I peel out of the driveway. He offers me a hotel room away, the bed to myself.. so I can recoup. So I can just think. Pray. Reflect without the noise.
Mamas. I feel you. Take a moment.

Look up. He's got you. 

Monday, August 21, 2017

Operation: Take bed back

August has been filled with lots of house changes and switcharoos. This makes my heart happy as I have a hard time with anything being in one place for too long. While I'm sure this speaks to bigger issues..we'll delve into that at a later time.
We moved Wyatt's bedroom downstairs despite my hesitations and Will's reassurances. Alex shifted over to Wyatt's bedroom and we've made Alex's room into a home office for Will and I.
I say Alex's "bedroom"loosely as he's been sleeping with us since the day he came into our lives 2 1/2 years ago. The night terrors have lessened but are no less painful to hear. The thrashing has subsided slightly, yet the kicks to the gut, head and privates are stronger and incredibly unfortunate in the middle of REM sleep. The pediatrician said about 8 months ago that Alex should transition to his own bed. Um. Sure. While I respect his opinion, I just wasn't ready to listen.
Now 8 months later, here I am. It's time. My problem is, it's so different then with Wyatt.  I'd let him cry for a bit and he was able to self soothe and go back to bed. But Alex...his cries pierce this adoptive mamma's heart. I missed the first year and a half with our boy. Who was lifting him from his crib or stroking his cheek during those early stages? All I know is,  it wasn't me...which leads me to this place...feeling conflicted.
So we've found a happy medium. I hope.
If you can believe this; Wyatt's old convertible crib is now Alex's and we have "converted" it into a full size bed. Which means we can ALL have our own space and hopefully get through REM uninterrupted without drop kicks to the groin. If he needs us, there is plenty of room to cuddle with him in his bed, while still preserving ours.
Again, only one night down *successfully* with lots of prayer, lavender and frankincense being diffused. I'll keep everyone posted, as I wouldn't want anyone out there to lose sleep over MY sleep.
On that note...g'nite.
And Just out of curiosity....which position have you found yourself in? We're in Roundhouse Kick Hell.

Thursday, July 20, 2017


Is. The. Longest. Day. Ever.
Phone in Toilet Bowl.
Unruly Children.
Dropping $8.00 of dimes for the kids lunch all over the gas station floor.
Child spitting out lunch and screaming he doesn't like what he picked out 2 seconds after purchase.
Woman asking if Alex is mine.
Inability to locate anything I'm looking for within a house I am resisting to clean.
Why has time stood still?
What am I doing about it? Yelling, Sighing with exasperation, rolling my eyes.
I'm totally sweating the small stuff instead of looking at the big picture, treasuring what I have. I know this in my head. Putting it in practice is so much harder.
SO in the spirit of a do over, I will eat some chocolate, take a deep breath, pour on some happy oils, pray, apologize and ask forgiveness from my children and begin the countdown to 5:00....the socially acceptable time to crack open my beer. Cheers Mamas. Summer on.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Blue all over. You?

I am a lover of a good quiz. In fact just yesterday I discovered if I was going to be a descendant of a Greek God it would be Athena. Um, I'll take it (Thanks Wyatt ; ) But personality quizzes?...Well they're my favorite..which is why I was LOVING the color quiz we just took in my work group. It's forward thinking when everyone takes the time to figure out what makes their team tick. What is the other person's motivator? What lights their fire? What is their passion? I mean, how fascinating that this knowledge can help us all get to the same place taking different paths. We're obviously not all going to think, act or approach a situation in front of us the same way. My thinking is the sooner we figure that out and stop trying to change people and work with their God given gifts and talents the better. It's time we exhort one another instead of tearing them down for not being like us.

Unless of course they suck. That is a different issue in it's entirety.

So do me a favor. Take this. Then have your spouse, significant other or bestie take it as you and see if you're filling it out as someone you want to be rather then who you truly are.
Tell me what color you are!!! I want to know!!!
So I took the quiz and I'm blue baby. I confirmed this with my hubby, so that is why I write with confidence. HA! Sometimes I don't trust myself.

"They are fun loving. They live for the moment. They like bright things and happy people. They like to follow strong leadership as long as the leaders treat them nicely. They love a sense of humor in someone. They are very spontaneous. They are not very mindful of being on time. They are forgetful. They spend their money freely (don’t save much at all). They love to travel and have adventures. They love to be outside in the sunshine. They love being social and meeting new people."

I mean, this certainly does not describe me entirely, but it's pretty accurate. I'm followed up by a close yellow, then red and lastly green. I love how if I had taken this quiz years ago, my color would have been different. We're constantly evolving....continually changing. 
I love it. 
Ok. Stop reading this. Take the quiz. Mull it over. Feel free to share. Don't leave me hanging. 

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Digging Deep

Seeing as writing is therapy of sorts to me, I'll just lay it all out there. If it resonates, great. If you start reading and can't hit that red x in the corner of your screen fast's all good my friend.

Let me just jump right in. My feelings of inadequacies run long and deep. Sometimes,  I literally feel as if the left side of my brain ceases to function. Seriously. When faced with mathematics of any kind; science, equations, statistics, word pulse quickens, my eyebrow starts to twitch and my brain slowly starts to seize up. I can't concentrate, I try to make a joke to get out of the question asked, or I just deflect, deflect, deflect. How does that make me feel? Stupid. Dumb. Completely inadequate. If you know me well, you may know that I struggle and shut down emotionally when I do not feel validated, when I feel like my feelings, thoughts or words do not matter. (Hmmm.....circling back to feelings of stupidity and inadequacy....) My love language is words of affirmation which I'm pretty sure makes me nearly impossible to live with.

My jobs that I've had outside of the home, the ones that I felt good at, provided me with that verbal validation, that sought after adult conversation. When I was working outside of the home, I felt a sense of competence that I could do or be what I was created to be. I love working with people. I love seeing and delving into what makes people tick and how I can provide them necessary resources to becoming their best selves. I love a challenge, learning new skills and accomplishing tasks. I love fast paced environments and have a love/hate relationship with that nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach before a huge presentation and the state of euphoria when it's ended.

Motherhood. Like many many mothers before me, I feel like I'm half-assing it. I show up for the game, but a lot of times I feel like I'm shooting air balls from half court. I look back on my day and pray to God that that day is not going to be the reason my kids show up for their first therapy session when they're twenty-two. I'm not the first mom to voice these feelings of course. There's a lot of other better looking, savier mamas videoing themselves and making musicals on why motherhood is crazy and it's ok to feel this way. If I could hold a note and had better hair, I would totally sing this to you too. Shoot, I'd sing it to myself right now, because let's be real, I had a crappy day mom-ming and that has led to this post.  Please don't get me wrong- I feel immense gratification at my ability to stay home and be with my kids. I just love working too....the creativity, setting's so much more then a paycheck. I want...and NEED both.

So I started my search. When I was overseas, I maintained that connectedness and creativity by delving into direct sales. It's not my forte, trust me. Yeah...The irony is not lost on me...but for me it was fun to get together with friends, throw on some nail wraps and maybe make a few bucks in the process. It filled up some of my free time and filled the work void that I was looking for. When we moved back to the U.S., I knew I couldn't go back into the work force..the boys needed me at home. The little guy requires extra time and support and getting a full time job is just not in the cards right now. So where did that leave me? I took a look at what I was doing, where I spent my free time and where my current interests were directed. You know what? I see a woman I scarcely recognize. I've learned to NEVER say never. I didn't think I'd be living in Utah after living overseas for SIX YEARS in my very late thirties making lip balms and body butter while simultaneously preparing essential oils classes. But here I am.... #notquitekillingit.....Ha. I found I really love my oils and I love the products. It induces eye rolling and skepticism from some and curiosity and excitement from others. I've been lauded and made fun of. If it's not your thing, it's not your thing, but I promise you we can still be friends. It's the balance I found I needed. It has me excited, setting goals, meeting new people, pushing comfort zones, wondering how far I can take it.  I've got that nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of upcoming classes and that love/hate feeling is front and center. While my time is divided and some days (i.e. today) I feel less than, I feel more motivated than I have in a very long time.
Phew. Thanks for letting me unload. This motherhood/work balance is not easy. Maintaining your passions and sense of self while raising tiny civilized humans is not easy. It's all a delicate let's just support one another on this crazy journey and remain #notquitekillingittogether...Ok?*Deep Sigh*
Stay tuned.....

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Crystal Bliss

“Crystal is the first truly expensive gift in the traditional anniversary list.  The costliness of crystal is representative of the sacrifice and investment the couple has made to the marriage over the past fifteen years.  Crystal also symbolizes clarity and transparency, reflecting the state of the couple's relationship.  They now know each other better than they know themselves.”

This becomes even more interesting to me when you take a look at the differing types of crystals. 

Covalent crystals are crystals whose atoms are connected with covalent bonds. Covalent bonds exist where the atoms share electrons. These bonds are extremely strong and very hard to break. Because of this, the crystals themselves are also very strong and have high melting points. Imagine gluing together beads with super glue. The super glue is the covalent bond. Now think of trying to glue beads together with a glue stick. They probably wouldn't hold together very well. The glue stick is analogous to another type of crystal we will talk about later. An example of a covalent crystal is a diamond, which is one of the hardest substances known to man.

Metallic Crystals:
Individual metal atoms sit on lattice sites while the outer electrons from these atoms are able to flow freely around the lattice. Metallic crystals normally have high melting points and densities.These crystals sparkle with the lustrous sheen we think of metals having. They are extremely good conductors of heat and electricity.

Ionic Crystals:
This is a crystal where the individual atoms don't have covalent bonds between them, but are held together by electrostatic forces. An example of this type of crystal is sodium chloride (NaCl). Ionic crystals are hard and have relatively high melting points.I

Molecular Crystals:
This is a crystal where there are recognizable molecules in the structure and the crystal is held together by non-covalent interactions like van der Waals forces or hydrogen bonding. An example of this type of crystal would be sugar. Molecular crystals tend to be soft and have lower melting points. Molecular crystals are crystals formed from weak bonds called hydrogen bonds. these bonds are very weak,,,, 

See what I mean? Not all crystals are created equal. Some have strong bonds, others weak. Another is held together by an electrostatic force while the other is sweet to the taste but can’t take the heat.  The same comparisons could be said of couples…
One would hope by the time you get to your fifteenth year with your spouse, your beloved, your chosen one, that there is more clarity, transparency… that you know them better than any other. 

Me? I chose a winner. I love this covalent bond I share with my spouse. Each year we have been together has been filled with new and deeper adventures, complications, stressors, intimacy, and knowledge that I had ever thought possible. Across the span of the past fifteen years we have developed a very strong, hard to break bond. He is my champion- my biggest fan, my rock. Will is a practical minded man of deep rooted faith and integrity. He is gentle, loving, sensitive and an amazing father. 

Marriage can be so hard. There are peaks and valleys. You are walking through the feast, famine, desert, and lush pastures with this person you chose to do life with. Seasons fly by quickly as do the little moments. I have learned to watch my tongue, be more thoughtful…try to be more sensitive..more of what my man deserves. HE deserves the very best- I can scarcely find the words to express how much I appreciate and love him.  He is my greatest treasure here on earth.  Happy Fifteenth Babe. 

Sunday, May 14, 2017

The quibbling of an emotional mother

I never thought I was going to be a mother. I thought there were women better suited, more compassionate, more loving, patient, gentle and kind..and yet here I am- a mother of two. Some days are fist pump worthy and others? Well, I just apologize, crawl under the covers and start again the next day.

It was at church that my mind started wandering and I thought about the moms whose children had left the house..moved away- grown men and women with families of their own- how will they celebrate? When my sons are grown, will they call me? Visit me? Miss me? These fleeting moments that I'm spending with my boys- will they remember? Will they cherish them? Will they tell them to their sons and daughters as a delightful bedtime story as they reminisce about their childhood? Will I be an older woman with regrets of what I should have or could have done? Will my children harbor resentments and untold hurts against me? To raise a child for decades only to see them once a year with an occasional obligatory phone call rips at my soul.

I think back to the day I found out I was becoming a mother. The mix of joy and horror- the fear of the unknown. The fluttering I felt when this child began moving in me for the first time. The endless months of vomiting, Dr's appointments and the anticipation of this child's arrival. The moment I was told I was having a girl and stared blankly at Will as he stared blankly back until we were told it was a mistake and we both sighed deeply. His reentry into the hospital with jaundice and the terror I felt that I was going to lose him. My feelings of inadequacies of having a first born. What do I do, how do I act? Will I break him? All the firsts. Seeing our Wyatt for the first time, loving him but not feeling that immediate attachment that I thought all mother's had. Faking it til' I was making it. Seeing him develop. His sense of humor. His sensitivity. His sweetness. A mother's pride. Finally feeling that attachment and the fierceness of a mother's love.

I think back to the day we chose to adopt. The choice to become a mother of two. The mix of joy and horror-the fear of the unknown. The fluttering I felt when I opened the email in my inbox and read a  biography about a little boy. The endless months of meetings, background checks, paper trails and the anticipation of his arrival. Walking through the MRT station in Taiwan looking at grown Asian men and teenagers, wondering if that's what my son would look like one day. Tears streaming down my face in public places became commonplace as I thought of my inability to hold him, love him, nurture him. all the firsts that we missed. All the firsts that we experienced. Seeing our Alex for the first time. Loving him, feeling that attachment and praying to God he felt it as well. My feelings of inadequacies as we brought him home. My helplessness to "fix" the problems. Faking it til' I was making it. Seeing him develop. His sense of humor. His bravery. His resilience. His zest for life. A mother's pride. Experiencing a love for two boys that I did not feel was possible.

I'm thinking of the mothers today who have experienced the loss of being unable to bear a child, those that have lost a child, or those unable to care for their child and then selflessly placed them in the arms of another woman. I think of the women AND men who have lost their mothers and the indescribable grief that must sear one's heart at a loss so great.

I'm trying to pull myself together here. Seriously I'm an emotional basket case right now. Anyone else like that today? Right before I started writing this, as I was tucking the boys into bed and with Will out of town, Wyatt asked if he could sleep with me. I rolled my eyes. ugh. My perfect opportunity to starfish hindered by a ten year old body. But these moments are fleeting- and one day he may not call me, visit or miss me, but tonight? He wants to cuddle with pardon me while I end this here.