#stillreal

I've been on this keeping it real kick lately...just being sensitive to those around us...to other women...other mothers. Just my disclaimer before you decide to read any further. It may sound repetitive...it's just where I'm at right now.

Conversational encounters with other adults before 7 pm is generally rare for me, so typically I have unintentional diarrhea of the mouth when the opportunity arises. Just setting the scene....
I'm sitting in the library...as is our usual when Wyatt goes to Math tutoring, and I had just cracked open my book while Alex was potentially going to play. I say potentially, because he hadn't had a nap and we were teetering on the precipice of a meltdown. Another mom and her husband were there with their two toddlers who were about to put on a puppet show. Unfortunately, I had claimed the most comfortable seat which was directly in front of the "puppet theater" and I decided begrudgingly (though with a smile) to offer her my bench so she could see. She said we could share. Awesome..though I figured that meant I'd have to half-heartedly laugh at this kid's show.
We chatted a little and I came to find out she was looking for a Pre-K, so I told her where Alex goes and that he was going 2 days a week, but now it was 4.. blah blah blah...and it's a life saver for everyone. She looked at me with this immense relief, as if she had found a kindred spirit. I mean it wasn't like she was going to tear up but her immediate response was agreement at cherishing the quiet moments and how sick she was of hearing #blessed all the time. I looked at her and said um...well welcome to #real. From that point on we opened up and had a great conversation. Two strangers just having met in the library....united over keeping it real.
Don't get me wrong. I KNOW I'm #blessed. Yup. I do. BUT FOR THE LOVE. I feel like I can't put it out there enough. Please, be real with me. I'll be real with you. Some days it's all I can do to pull myself up and out of bed..that's what Jesus and coffee are for..because it's freaking hard. 
Our neighbor just had a baby and I went over there with a loaf of banana bread and a hat over my dirty hair, knocked on her door and said, It'll be OK. Some days really suck though. Will was like, really Aly? That was very neighborly of you. But it's the truth, and she looked at me the way new moms look and said some days are really hard....
YES. YEEEES. SOME DAYS ARE REALLY HARD.

Be there for those women. Be present. Be real. Talk to someone who looks lonely or tired or worn down by life. Love on them. Tell that mom (OR DAD!!) in the store with the screaming kid that the day is almost over, or that she can do it..that you've been there and are in her corner. It may be the only source of encouragement she gets that day.

This Week's keeping it real moments....
*Some days I don't shower. But I ALWAYS sniff myself to make sure I'm palatable enough to exit my house.
*I have a  plastic poop pile of diapers in my garage that desperately need to be walked a couple hundred feet to the dumpster. I thank God for the cold weather that has preserved them.
*When Alex naps in the afternoon it is like a sweet song to my soul.
*When for the 400th  time Alex asks for juice I start sipping half empty juice boxes around my house to ensure they haven't fermented and hand him those.
*I have floated eggs before in my fridge to make sure they're not spoiled. Totally a thing. Check it out.
*I have fish that ALSO needs to go in the dumpster, but it is currently in my fridge so it doesn't smell....cause if I trashed it, that would TOTALLY smell....I really need to go to the dumpster today....
*Dishes are my freaking nemesis. eh. who are we kidding. Cleaning is my nemesis.
*I had a fight with my found bag of Rolos today and totally lost.

Just Enough.

Word gifts from my friend Merriam-

Definition of enough

1:  in or to a degree or quantity that satisfies or that is sufficient or necessary for satisfaction :  sufficiently

Definition of sufficient

1. 
   a :  enough to meet the needs of a situation or a proposed end <sufficient provisions for a month>
   

   Definition of all

   :  nothing but :  only <all work and no play>:a :  completely taken up with, given to, or absorbed by <became all attention>b :  having or seeming to have (some physical feature) in conspicuous excess or prominence <all legs>c :  paying full attention with <all ears>

I stopped writing before Alex's adoption was finalized.  I just couldn't risk having my words twisted and potentially hold up the process. That is what I told myself. That and I just couldn't emotionally deal. I couldn't deal with the stress of the adoption and I couldn't deal with my move to Japan. So I stopped. I stopped writing...for like, two years. Two crazy wonderful, painful, excruciating, hard, amazing years where I didn't document ANYTHING that happened. I thought I would start writing again when we brought home our son. I thought, I can be an "adoption mom inspiration" and normalize what other adoptive moms may be feeling! Yeah...no. When Alex arrived home, I just couldn't. So much to say and yet nothing would come out.  

This one and a half year old little boy who we picked up from a Taiwanese orphanage and carried away in a taxi cab, screaming for his alma....the only mother figure that he had ever known- all I kept thinking was.,.. am I enough? Will I ever be enough? As the months progressed and the sleepless nights persisted; I felt depleted and quite frankly,  I didn't feel like I was doing life well. I thought that this little man that we had brought home was placed in the arms of the wrong mother. I felt my temper was too short, my patience... non existent. I felt that I was never going to sleep again.  I felt I needed to be more attentive, more interactive, more nurturing, MORE. MORE. MORE. I didn't feel like enough. 
Oh my friends,  the lies we tell ourselves.
The truth? I am enough but I will never be his ALL. That is the way it is supposed to be. I am human. I am a sinful creature and it's impossible. THANK GOD for that. It's too much pressure!!
At the end of the day, through my exhaustion I can sigh with relief knowing that I am not my son's be all end all...but I AM enough. It was by God's great design, that I was to be Alex's mother. What a sweet gift bestowed upon me. I pray that in the small moments of desperation that I never lose sight of the bigger picture.

Keeping it real

I am not mom-ing well today. Yelling, depressed, cold and angry. I don't know why. I'm just not my best self. Let's keep it real. When others tell you, well when you say you're not a good mom, it actually means the opposite is true. A good mom never thinks they're a good mom. I'm calling it. I think that's a load. Sometimes it's the truth. It's not that you're a bad mom- but you could possibly have been better. You know what? That may happen tomorrow. It may happen 20 minutes from now...God willing. I thank him daily for his Grace. What I have learned is, sometimes you just do the best you can in that moment. If you screwed up, apologize to your kid, give them a hug, say you suck and that you'll try harder. I can't tell you how many times I bowed my head today asking the Lord to help me not do bodily harm to my children. Take a minute. PRAY! BREATHE! Find your healthy coping skill and use it. AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED TO.
This year, let's be real with one another...with other women...with other moms. Few of us have our crap together and we shouldn't make others feel less than if their head is barely above water either. Throw them a life raft...FOR THE LOVE. Lord knows I'm not even close to a good swimmer and I need all the help I can get.
Keeping it real.....Sometimes I.....
*Vacuum my table with my upright vacuum. Yup.
*Stress eat snickerdoodles at 8:30am..... (I threw them in the garbage later that afternoon...They have been my New Year's demise)
*Tell my kid the meatball is a hot dog just so he'll freaking eat dinner. (Actually Will did this and it was a stroke of brilliance)
*Stare at the clock all afternoon and wonder when the appropriate time to start drinking my Cappuccino Oatmeal Stout Stouts was...
*Talk to myself. Actually this does not occur sometimes...this occurs Always.
*Eat a low fat soup for lunch, then tell myself I ate low fat soup for lunch and eat the entire snack cabinet.
And this was just today. OK. I lie....my table is crazy dirty and I didn't clean, less vacuum it.....But you get the gist. And I feel better for telling you.
Mom On.

Healthy snack choice from yesterday...... (that's water btw!!!)

Take a minute.Breathe.

I have exactly one hour and twenty minutes until I have to pick up Alex from Pre-K. I get a total of 2.5 hours total and each of those minutes is accounted for which includes leaving my house 7 minutes prior to drop off and pick up. Today, due to crappy weather I drove Wyatt and his posse to school which ate an additional 14 minutes off of my time. This did not account for the 6 minutes I struggled and swore at Alex's car seat that I was trying to put BACK in the car upon my arrival back home because three children needed to fit in the back seat. Yes, Wyatt and Alex having the same school time would be way to easy right? (Their start times are 40 minutes apart). Six minutes I yelled at that car seat. It finally relented and buckled into place. My watch beeped. I looked. Take a minute to breathe it said. Breathe. Deep breaths. In. Out. Repeat.
It's a good reminder as I always forget within the activities and stressors of the day. Stop. Take a minute. Breathe.
I wish it had other reminders like- Thank Jesus for that breath you just took. Put your phone down. Don't eat that entire bag of Rolos.  Be present. Hug your boys. Build a snow fort. Be content. Read your Bible. Call a friend. You are not alone. Look at the mountains. Relish your surroundings instead of drowning in your own spinning thoughts that are dragging you down. Kiss your husband. Seriously Aly, PUT THE ROLOS DOWN.
I could definitely stand to be hit over the head with these throughout the day..so with that being said perhaps I will. Perhaps I'll program them into the phone I'm supposed to look at less and just Breathe. As is true with everything....easier written then done.
I'll let you know how that goes.
Oh...and I now have 39 minutes...I'll use them wisely......

I'm Back.

I'm back.Talk about a loaded statement in two words.  Back to Blogging? Perhaps. Back to the U.S.A? Definitely. Back to reality. Back to suburbia. Back to budgets and responsibilities that I had eschewed for awhile. Back to family. Back to short plane rides. Back to grocery shopping in one place. Back to driving everywhere. Back to lots and lots of snow. Back to shoveling. Back to large stoves, large refrigerators and large backyards. Back to lots of large. Back to lots of great and eh. You can assume which is which in the above list.

Welcome back. Welcome home. You must be so happy to be back. Back to lots and lots of people uttering the same words. *Deep Sigh*

It is true. We are "back" in the United States. Back home? I guess if we are considering my country of origin my home, then yes. I'm home. Did I feel at home in Taiwan? Absolutely yes. Did I feel at home in Japan? A little less then Taiwan, but absolutely yes. Do I feel at home in my current state of Utah? Not so much, but I'm working on it....kind of. 

Living abroad has forever changed me. In talking to one of my friends, she so wisely said, I just feel bigger then the place I'm at.... I get that. It's not meant to sound haughty or arrogant. I am literally bursting at my seams with experiences and culture and some days walking through the aisles of target just doesn't feel like enough. 

But today? I went to Target...and while it wasn't a hidden back alleyway with secret treasures,hanging lanterns, or filled with ancient shrines..it was enough. That my friends, is progress.