I'm having a moment. Writing for me is a calming therapeutic tool that helps to release my anguish, rage and frustration in a moderately healthy way. Lucky you.
Let me just say, I admire parents. Single parents, working parents, stay at home parents, aging parents, a parent of one or a parent of five. It makes no difference how old you are, how old your kids are... You're still a parent. Period.
Kids. They will kill you. They will make you laugh, scream, giggle, snort, tear up, beam up, ball your fists up or sometimes shut up. Yes. Sometimes they just render you speechless. Children evoke every single kind of emotion known to man. Shoot, they evoke emotions that are still yet unnamed. Please tell me I'm not alone here.
As a social worker with some advanced education, I know the politically correct things to say. I'm aware of what the appropriate response should be....if it's for someone else. School does not however prepare you emotionally of how to react to your own child when he utters those dreaded words. I hate my mom.
*sigh*
Scoop? I'd been with my son almost all day. In fact it was a great day. A fun day. He was room helper, there was a Chinese New Year Party at school, a potluck, (I brought in kick butt lantern cakes) not to mention I had gone to his KA class earlier in the morning to make dragons with his class. I was having a "I love being a mom" kind of a day. Someone even had a birthday party and he had ice cream cake. Ice cream cake!!! I mean does it get any better? (and this was in addition to the cake I had already brought in for the potluck. Stay with me, this is important foreshadowing).As if that wasn't awesome enough, Wyatt had a play date after school. let me repeat, could this day possible get any better??? No. Apparently it could not.
Fast forward. So we're at his friend's house, I'm talking to my girlfriend and Wyatt starts to interrupt. Interrupting is a huge pet peeve of mine, and I calmly told him that I would not respond unless he said "excuse me" first. He has a huge issue with saying excuse me- why? I haven't quite figured that out. Stubbornly he walks away(OHHHHH he's stubborn) and I continue my conversation with my girlfriend. She then said, does he usually say that? If this were a novel I would say my eyes narrowed .....Say what?
Wyatt had apparently turned to his friend and said, I hate my mom.
What he wanted that he didn't get? Cake and juice.
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| Go ahead. How do you really feel?? |
Ouch.
So where did that come from?
I didn't know what to do. It was literally as if my world froze. I was paralyzed. Not only was I feeling like an inadequate social worker, I was an inadequate mother. What do I say? How do I act? I took him to the back room and really didn't quite know how to handle it. Um, you hurt my feelings? How old am I anyway? The fact was, he didn't care and I realized this really wasn't the place to do whatever it was that I didn't know what to do. So we came home and I lost it. I started to tell him how much he hurt my heart....I'm not sure what happened, but I broke. I mean literally broke, fell to pieces. In the kitchen, on the floor I sat, bawling my eyes out. Wyatt stood looking at his blubbering mother, eyes misting unsure what to do. He said sorry and I told him to please just go. A bit later I pulled myself together and sat on the couch while he peered around the corner. We just looked at each other and I held my arms out. He crawled onto my lap and we stayed like that for a long time. Neither of us saying anything, I cradled my baby and my world started to unthaw a bit....he fell asleep in my arms.
See, the Internet chat lines and psychologists say not to take it personally. Pre -schoolers are identifying feelings and aren't able to adequately identify their emotions..we need to help them; identify what they've said, use it as a teaching moment.....Parents comment and say, don't take it personally.blah blah blah. Some admit they cracked a tear, but know their kid didn't mean it. C'mon. Bull. Let's get real.
Words hurt and kids need to know it. By the age of 5 kids know (MY kid knows) that when he says I hate you to someone, it hurts, wounds.... Look. I know my son loves me. I don't doubt that. I know he was frustrated. I know he was angry. He has used those words and is aware of those words and their meaning. He also is smart. More honesty? I have to say the whole experience was very humbling. I've always held Wyatt to a higher standard. Short of saying my kid's better than everyone else's, I'm afraid I'm a bit disillusioned. I listen to my girlfriends talking of their kids and the things they say, always listening with an empathetic ear, nodding sympathetically while secretly ecstatic that MY son would never do or say such things. Well, look who's been knocked down a few pegs. A little more honesty? How do MY words hurt others. Hmmm. Maybe the lesson today was mine.
I'm afraid the days of horrible words coming from my son are just beginning. I am almost sure though that there is one sentence he will not utter (at least out loud) again.
P.S. He did not get more cake.
OOOhhh..tough day, hard to find a place to start.. You've already said a lot of what I might have said, but let me just rephrase again. Let's remember that even though the bar was probably set way, no..waaaay to high, he is still 5 years old. I'm sure he knows the words love and hate, but how much does a 5 year old really know. Let's hope he never does know what hate means. No matter what you do and teach, when he goes to school there are other kids that maybe did not have that luxury. Seems to me I remember a peeing episode in a VA daycare center. Where did that come from? Well we both know that, but that's another whole story. How about he comes home before Christmas with doubts about Santa? Kids at 5 talk and say things and the other kids pick it up. Hey, if they said it, must be ok for me. My cousin taught me how to smoke at about 7, cool. Just eat an apple and no one will smell the smoke on your breath. (He didn't mention the clothes part.) (Focus...focus) The point here is that your child's growing up is a learning process for everyone. Not all will be smiley faces. As I can attest, boys are especially troublesome (not the word I wanted to use, but felt bad using anything worse) to their mothers. Not so much with their dads because I think it is a fear factor. I can still remember some backtalk I gave my mom and I'm sorry, but it's too late to say that. But, even thru all of that in the end we both knew we loved each other.
ReplyDeleteSo what's the point here she asked, the point is he's your kid and you and Will are doing a terrific job, but he's still a kid. Things are going to come out of his mouth that you will not like, he's going to do stuff you will not like and you can't stop everything. This will probably go on until his mid twenties, so gear up bucko. Don't be so hard on yourself, there's more to come. And in the end there is no doubt that you will all know that you love each other.