It's Just A lot.

The past week has felt like months. Waiting, Breath holding, suspended in time, heart potentially ready to shatter into oblivion at any time. Then you wake up.

I

Woke

Up.

You open your eyes. You come to the realization that there are people tip-toeing around you, also suspended in time waiting for you to breathe so that they themselves can fall to the ground in a million pieces.

Today was that day.

Innocuous.

Different yet The Same?

Or

So

I

Thought.

He hopped in the car. Happy. Until in a blink of an eye, he wasn’t. That’s how it is sometimes around here. There are no words for it. The emotions seem to start bubbling up from his toes, pulsating through his veins, and overtake his core until he begins to howl. An animalistic, mournful, raging scream that pierced every square inch of the van. At first he couldn’t voice what was wrong. He didn’t know.

Until

He

Did.

He wanted to go back.

To Taiwan.

He wanted to find solace in the arms of his birth mother.

The wailing grew louder.

He was crying for the mother that cocooned him within her womb for 8 months. For the woman in his dreams that he longs to know but may never meet.

It’s in these moments that I am jolted into reality.

Because

I

Forget. He feels my love deeply. But I am not her.

I did not give birth to him…and I also grieve, because I forget. I forget, I forget.

My heart is inextricably connected to this child, but I cannot change the fact that I was never there from the very beginning. His broken heart is not mine to heal.

I

Just....

Forget.

He’s desiring what I can never offer.

I can’t take away the pain.

That sorrow.

The grieving.

I pulled the car over onto a side dirt road.

I got out.We unbuckle. We cling to one another, his tears streaming down.

I affirmed him. Told him I loved him. Apologized for this broken world and inwardly for mothers that don’t have the ability to care for their sons.

He settled.

He calmed.

For now.

Adoption Awareness month. Hard truths. No glamour. No accolades. MESSY. So So MESSY. HIS mercy and grace. Brokenness, redemption, sorrow, love, pain and loss.

Empathy, Understanding, growth, change,

Lots of Jesus.

 

The one where they almost died...

 I have a lot of questions. 

WHERE has the last couple of weeks gone?

Why did I not put an update up last week?

How and why do these married renovation couples on TV choose this life?

SO....For those of you that saw my Facebook post of choosing the wrong sweatshirt for my son's highschool.....I want you to imagine the stress of placing thousands of dollars worth of materials order for a home that you're afraid to measure. So yeah. There's that. Will can have it. I'm at a heightened state of feeling overwhelmed. Trying new tools out, getting dramatic...wiping, plastering, sanding, painting, rinse and repeat. EVERY. DAY. Not so secretly, I really do love the hard labor. 

OK. So here's where we're at. The boys let out crazy amounts of frustration that first week and knocked down the wall in between the kitchen and the dining room. It looks fantastic. Game Changer for sure. I've pulled staples, prepped the walls and we are tearing up the boys rooms because my Pinteresting is currently out of control. Surely these rooms won't turn out like my blobby face cupcakes. I'm confident. 

Things that are happening:

• Using these insane tools that could cut through bone while standing on a ladder only to discover the board and major piece of ceiling I'm cutting were held up by one nail. It ALL came crashing down. Awesome. While Will does not agree; we could have for sure died. 
• Carrying heavy ass sheetrock boards over to the dumpster with Will as he suddenly drops it, snapping my neck hard left. While I appreciate a good adjustment- I prefer mine from a professional. While Will does not agree; I could have for sure died. 
• I ordered A LOT of sample stick paint samples. Will's colorblindness and my indecisiveness is not playing well in this area. I'm sure it will be fine. Will's exact words when I pointed to the samples- I like that one (basically the lightest shade of grey) Yeah, me too, but what about the one on the left?
  
  Will: There's one on the left? Me:😐 So while this particular scenario does not involve physical death, I will die an emotional death daily if I have to look at the wrong color every day. Ok. That went too far...just ignore that I said that. 
• Three bedrooms and half the upper hallway are primed. Will: So did you order the paint.....Me: um.......(me), still staring indecisively at the paint stick on's...... thinking that we really need to work on our communication. 
• Thankful to my dad for knocking out priming the walls and painting the most hated of projects...the ceiling. Taking one for the team.
• Orthopedic appointment for my hand is now scheduled because apparently my body can't hang.
• Stanley Steamer, Plumber and Kitchen specialist came in and I am GEEKING out. Not about the cleaned HVAC ...but the kitchen. GAH. Renderings up and coming hopefully next week. 
• APPPLIANCES ORDERED. (fingers crossed)
• Kitchen floor pried up and gutted.

OK. Enough chit chat -Here's some pictures. 

EW. I do not know exactly what this all means- but I can't think it's good. 

Are we having a breakthrough?...ummmmmm

yeah.not keeping.

nailed it.

Get. It. Out.

Everything must go. 

Boy of Mass Destruction

Open!!

Not dramatic. That huge piece that could have killed us..held up by one nail. 

This floor was ridiculous.

Fixer Upper

Have you ever heard of the saying, ridden hard and put away wet? Well, that’s how I’d describe our sweet house. She’s been lived in. Hard. 

We love the property. Love the school district. Will says the house has what all flippers call, “good bones.”

 

Let’s stop there for a second and talk about my husband Will.

To describe Will-He’s a data/ facts driven man. He researches and knows basically everything. (I KID YOU NOT) Example: he can tear down a wall and know what to do when he finds stuff like wires and pipes or something inside of it. He has vision. He’s pretty calm and collected. Runs numbers/measurements and all things math like it's not a painful experience. Fun Fact-He’s also colorblind..so that’s a bummer. For me more than him honestly. He literally does not know what he’s missing; though I often tell him. 

Accurate

Enneagram: Smart/Rational.

 

To describe myself? The antithesis of everything Will. I don’t have so much of a vision as I do creative bursts. I love color, personality and have big ideas of what I want, but without a clue of how to execute. By the time I figure out how to execute I’ve moved onto the next thing because I’m bored. Numbers are my nemesis. Example: Will shows me an amazing oven. I say I love it. He says, look for the dimensions to ensure it fits in the space. I say, just forget it..it’s too big, I don’t need it, I’ll find a smaller one. He says, get the dimensions of the smalller one, I say forget it. I don’t need an oven. 

Enneagram: Erratic Cray.

 

Will and I have been together like twenty years. We have an established baseline of trust and for better or worse we know the pulse of one another. We know when Hanger is about to strike, or when to push that last comment in before the other goes ballistic. We’ve got a groove that works well. Our recent development in this stellar relationship is how we’ve recently been driven to the edge by how the other chews crunchy food. I do not mean driven crazy in a hot way. The way this man opens a potato chip bag could bring me to tears. Guys. This reno is going to be great. SO. GREAT.

But here’s the thing. We’ve been renting for over a decade. Yes, while we’ve hung things on walls when we shouldn’t have, we’ve been beholden to what has existed in all the locations we entered. We haven’t made those personal choices like color, cabinets, flow…and I. AM. HERE. FOR. IT. 

 

Day 1- Tuesday/Closing

We signed the paperwork at 9 and were in the house by 11 tearing up carpet. Will was on the phone with a dumpster company within an hour and it arrived by the afternoon. 

By the time I had to leave to go pick up the kids from school we had torn all the carpet and padding up throughout the house. 

Guys. If carpet could talk. 🤮

Stairway Entry

Entry

Living Room

Living Room sans carpet. Huge Difference

Living Room

Dining Room

Hallway from living room

Upstairs Hallway

Master Bedroom

Master Bedroom

Bowman's Bedroom

Bowman's Room. Sweet hole in the door.

Alex's Bedroom 

Alex's Room

Downstairs Rec Room

Rec Room

Downstairs

Downstairs

My Man

Wyatt's room(downstairs)

Wyatt's room -different perspective. Sweet linoleum.