I hadn’t slept in like 3 years. It was the end of October at the end of a week where I thought Alex and I may not make it. I was at my wit’s end. I felt my emotions spilling over. I was thoroughly and utterly depleted.
The Skype call came in at 2 am. It was my girlfriend who lives in China. I had met her the previous summer and bonded with her over her adoption stories with her girls.
I looked down at my phone, wondering if I should pick up…….but she was calling from China.
I took the call.
I heard the story of Jia-Ming.
Five years old…aging out of the baby home. She was fighting, advocating relentlessly to find him a family before it was too late. Older children with significant medical conditions are hard to find homes for. Jia-Ming has half a functioning heart…incomplete paperwork….lots of unknowns. Efforts to find him a family would grow increasingly difficult once he left his current placement.
Here he is right now visiting with us for awhile….he popped onto the screen.
“Oh friend,” I replied…”I just don’t think so. Surely I know people within my adoption community who may be open to all these unknowns”….Think about it was the statement posed to me.
I started the excuse making. My insecurities and shame issues started to creep up. No way. Two kids is my cap. I can’t. I won’t. I shouldn’t.
Friends…God had other plans.
My girlfriend had sent me a number of pictures….and videos. It was the wee hours of the morning before I fell asleep..brain spinning, stomach churning, heart fluttering.
Just mere hours later I nudged a barely waking Will. I told him our friend had called. I showed him the pictures….told him the health concerns..waiting for the definitive absolutely not!!
It never came.
After speaking more at length, praying, more praying..talking to the boys, we began to pursue Jia-Ming’s file. As I worked the next couple weeks tracking down his information, contacting agencies, sending inquiries to physicians, and starting the process to once again begin the grueling paper trail that I never saw myself doing again, I could not help but simultaneously sigh and chuckle.
In the midst of breaking down, plaguing myself with negative self talk…the Lord had already been softening my heart. In the midst of my emphatic No’s , he was opening doors that I didn’t see possible.
If you’ve read my adoption posts before when we were on our journey to Alex, or if you haven’t, but have been on the adoption or foster care journey yourself…you know the path is rocky. There is a delicate balance of the scales….always holding your breath. Emotions are running high. Paper work is filled out. Clearances are run. Checks are sent. Birth certificates are ordered…. Again. More checks are sent out. Trainings are watched. Books are taken out of the library. Children are being prepared. The house is getting cleaned out. Updates are given. Pictures are sent. Pictures are received. Promises are made. Prayers. Prayers and more prayers. Dr.’s are emailed. Cardiac support groups are sought out. Money is raised. Grants are applied for. Little by little my heart is opening. Opening to the hope of a child that is not yet ours. Everything is fragile….anything could happen and in a moment’s notice this little boy…OUR little boy could be ripped away.
Prayers. Prayers. More prayers.
Recently I have found so much comfort in this verse.
“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be JOYFUL in God my Savior.”
Habakkuk 3:17-18
This season of my life has been about finding JOY in the dry spells. Being joyful in my savior when times are hard because he is there, carrying us through.
Yes. There are unknowns. Yes, the WHOLE process may fall through and It’s hard putting your heart out there if you’re not for sure it can be definitively returned. But the reality is, a piece of our heart is sent out in each document that is signed, notarized and mailed. That is the beauty of hope. That is the beauty and richness in knowing that my faith is filling in the gaps. Our sweet boy is going through this right now as well. A promise…..a promise of family..pictures of brothers, a home…a mother and father who will love him. what must his five year old self be thinking? I pray that he too shares hope and faith that we are fighting for him….preparing a home for him, just as our father is doing for us.
So many have supported us on this unexpected journey thus far. Many have asked how they can support us.
Will and I are applying for grants to help ease the burden of the adoption fees in hopes that we can maintain our savings for Jia-Ming’s unknown health and heart condition. Our recent yard sale provided us with a great start up fund for a medical checking account for when he comes home.
Other friends have generously offered to host parties in which a portion of the proceeds will go towards the adoption.
At this time we’re not comfortable setting up a go-fund me page. Those who have wanted to make a donation of some sort have contacted me and donations have gone into Jia-Ming’s medical savings account.
We are overwhelmed by the love of our friends and family throughout this process. We have such an amazing village to raise our boys to be fine men- it makes my heart sing.
Please connect with me if you have question about our adoption..or anything about the process. I try to be as transparent as possible and would love to chat.
From one of my adoption sites: He who calls you to this work will be faithful to equip you for the work he has called you to.
“For the God who calls you is faithful, and He can be trusted to make it so.” — 1 Thessalonians 5:24
