Digging Deep

Seeing as writing is therapy of sorts to me, I'll just lay it all out there. If it resonates, great. If you start reading and can't hit that red x in the corner of your screen fast enough..it's all good my friend.

Let me just jump right in. My feelings of inadequacies run long and deep. Sometimes,  I literally feel as if the left side of my brain ceases to function. Seriously. When faced with mathematics of any kind; science, equations, statistics, word problems....my pulse quickens, my eyebrow starts to twitch and my brain slowly starts to seize up. I can't concentrate, I try to make a joke to get out of the question asked, or I just deflect, deflect, deflect. How does that make me feel? Stupid. Dumb. Completely inadequate. If you know me well, you may know that I struggle and shut down emotionally when I do not feel validated, when I feel like my feelings, thoughts or words do not matter. (Hmmm.....circling back to feelings of stupidity and inadequacy....) My love language is words of affirmation which I'm pretty sure makes me nearly impossible to live with.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com

My jobs that I've had outside of the home, the ones that I felt good at, provided me with that verbal validation, that sought after adult conversation. When I was working outside of the home, I felt a sense of competence that I could do or be what I was created to be. I love working with people. I love seeing and delving into what makes people tick and how I can provide them necessary resources to becoming their best selves. I love a challenge, learning new skills and accomplishing tasks. I love fast paced environments and have a love/hate relationship with that nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach before a huge presentation and the state of euphoria when it's ended.

Motherhood. Like many many mothers before me, I feel like I'm half-assing it. I show up for the game, but a lot of times I feel like I'm shooting air balls from half court. I look back on my day and pray to God that that day is not going to be the reason my kids show up for their first therapy session when they're twenty-two. I'm not the first mom to voice these feelings of course. There's a lot of other better looking, savier mamas videoing themselves and making musicals on why motherhood is crazy and it's ok to feel this way. If I could hold a note and had better hair, I would totally sing this to you too. Shoot, I'd sing it to myself right now, because let's be real, I had a crappy day mom-ming and that has led to this post.  Please don't get me wrong- I feel immense gratification at my ability to stay home and be with my kids. I just love working too....the creativity, setting goals..it's so much more then a paycheck. I want...and NEED both.

So I started my search. When I was overseas, I maintained that connectedness and creativity by delving into direct sales. It's not my forte, trust me. Yeah...The irony is not lost on me...but for me it was fun to get together with friends, throw on some nail wraps and maybe make a few bucks in the process. It filled up some of my free time and filled the work void that I was looking for. When we moved back to the U.S., I knew I couldn't go back into the work force..the boys needed me at home. The little guy requires extra time and support and getting a full time job is just not in the cards right now. So where did that leave me? I took a look at what I was doing, where I spent my free time and where my current interests were directed. You know what? I see a woman I scarcely recognize. I've learned to NEVER say never. I didn't think I'd be living in Utah after living overseas for SIX YEARS in my very late thirties making lip balms and body butter while simultaneously preparing essential oils classes. But here I am.... #notquitekillingit.....Ha. I found I really love my oils and I love the products. It induces eye rolling and skepticism from some and curiosity and excitement from others. I've been lauded and made fun of. If it's not your thing, it's not your thing, but I promise you we can still be friends. It's the balance I found I needed. It has me excited, setting goals, meeting new people, pushing comfort zones, wondering how far I can take it.  I've got that nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of upcoming classes and that love/hate feeling is front and center. While my time is divided and some days (i.e. today) I feel less than, I feel more motivated than I have in a very long time.

Phew. Thanks for letting me unload. This motherhood/work balance is not easy. Maintaining your passions and sense of self while raising tiny civilized humans is not easy. It's all a delicate balance....so let's just support one another on this crazy journey and remain #notquitekillingittogether...Ok?*Deep Sigh*
Stay tuned.....

https://yldist.com/purelyoiled/