The Wyatt

I am not a morning person…and yet, this Saturday morning I woke up at 6 AM, went into The Wyatt’s room, scooted him over in bed and held him for a while. Wyatt has always been a cuddler. Me? Not so much. 

Wyatt sunk into his bed a little lower and nestled into me. I closed my eyes and held him a little tighter. I breathed in deeply, smelling his Old Spice Swagger Shampoo…so very different from that little baby head smell of the past.

I have the privilege of having a unique relationship with each of my sons. This guy? I felt The first flutters of life in my womb with this child. Being my first, he is the first to experience ALL my inadequacies and mistakes at parenting. Some days I know he knows the jig is up….I have no idea what I’m doing. 

How lucky am I that he has the ability to love me anyway. The Lord made this child to be a caring, sensitive, funny, and forgiving child. Most days when he sees me struggling, he jumps in, and hugs me…the cuddler that he is. 

Will and I look at him sometimes and laugh because if ever there was to be a combo of two of the most differing personalities you could find, Wyatt would be it. So much of Will and so much of myself combined into a fine young man.  

Holding my Wyatt now does not make me long for days of the past, but yet, excites me for his future adventures and all that is to come. 

He is an exceptional young man and I am forever thankful that the Lord entrusted him into our care.

Happy Birthday my Wyatt. 

Hurdles and Faceplants

Logically, you may know the steps to clear the hurdle

EVERY family has its issues.
Myself? I'm a sharer. I try to be transparent in the realness, because Motherhood can be so damn isolating sometimes. The pressure? It's overwhelming. We are not in this journey by ourselves, so if I need to open my junk drawers or take pictures of the dishes in my sink and share, I'm happy to do it. We can not do all and be all.
Parenting in itself is such an incredible journey...each so unique. Adoption happens to be a part of ours. While our son's social history is not for public consumption, I feel that the hurdles I jump..whether I clear them or face plant, if it can help another momma in ANY way, well- I'll spill.

But this is reality

Adoption is a wild ride.
There are so many unknowns; palpable grief, unanswered questions. There are therapists, counselors, paperwork and phone calls. There are undesirable behaviors, more grief, and more unanswered questions. Medical unknowns are scary. The questions he will ask us one day are unfathomable.
I struggle. A lot.
One of my biggest pet peeves that I totally self -impose upon myself is this. Just because we adopted doesn't mean I can't vent about motherhood. This is a child, that is mine, just like my biological child. Sometimes I feel that there is an undercurrent of tsk tsk'ng as if I brought this upon myself  so I shouldn't talk about the daily challenges. That I signed up for this. That I knew there was going to be struggles.. that EVERYONE knew there was going to be struggles , so why am I dishing about it. Whether imposed or perceived..that's crap. This is why I cherish my support group and why I love support groups in general. You're not alone. The struggle is real.
I remember after I had Wyatt I was a mess. I didn't know what to do. I was new at this mom thing. He wasn't breastfeeding..was that normal? How much milk was I supposed to produce? Not being able to produce milk..was I doing something wrong? Was he going to be more prone to illness because I couldn't breastfeed? He was kind of yellow..that wasn't normal..but what do I do? Do I lay him on his back? On his stomach? Should he sleep in our room? In our bed? Is he breathing? His sleep pattern is all messed up. How long of a nap is too long. Dear God what have I done?? I experienced the mom guilt. I was working. I was going to school at night. Was this a good decision? Bad decision? Was I missing out on critical moments? Should I just quit school and my job and stay at home? Would anyone be happy if I actually did that?? The tears came and they wouldn't stop.
Nearly 7 years later, I found myself in a strikingly similar situation, yet SO different.
I remember arriving to the orphanage as a family of 3 and leaving the orphanage with Alex, stepping into the cab to head back to the station as a family of 4. Will and I kept turning around and laughing nervously. It was a surreal scenario. All the waiting leads to this moment. I think we kept turning around to see if anyone was running after our cab to stop us. That there had been a terrible mistake.
We went back to the hotel that night with our son...who was this little man? What were his preferences? Dislikes? Did he understand us? Should I call him by his Chinese name or his new English name? Would he learn to love us? I had missed all his firsts..I could only rely on a translated document of what he may or may not like. The pressure for attachment and bonding felt overwhelming. Then there were the night terrors- those screams that could pierce through your soul and make you weep the moment they started. That someone so little could emit sounds of such anguish is indescribable. There was the endless head banging, as he could not express himself adequately enough, and would turn to what he knew to communicate a need. I felt helpless. I felt ill-equipped and so, so tired. The tears came and they wouldn't stop.

There are no hard and fast answers. All these feelings of self-doubt, fears, helplessness..well that IS motherhood. You do the best you can with the God given gifts you have. Grace and Truth have been the two ever present themes this past year and in my daily walk. I thank the Lord for this crazy journey I am on and all that he has planned. He is so much bigger then I know, so on the days where I feel like I just can't, I can rest a little easier knowing he can.

Tagging Out

Today. 

I’ve written this in my head about a bajillion times, and now at 11:19 PM as I’m sitting down to actually write it..no words are coming. Bummer. I’m pretty sure it was WAY more profound about 3 hours ago. 

Today was really hard. 

But let's be honest. Life wasn’t meant to be easy. If it were, how could we possibly taste the sweetness or appreciation of accomplishments or growth? Right?....RIGHT?!?!?

Days like today I close my eyes and think back to my expat experience when I was surrounded by friends literally on the daily. Someone was ALWAYS there. It made me feel secure, supported and heard. I was able to use adult words to actual adults who would then actually respond back in kind. This is perhaps the single most difficult issue I’ve had to reconcile with. People in the US are crazy busy. We aren’t on this insulated bubble of an expat island..people here are running around crazy, whether it be to school, work, activities, the gym…life! I am not their priority..imagine that?! While I know that this was inevitable upon our return, over a year later I’m still trying to find that balance and not wallow in the blahs and what was. 

Days like today I close my eyes and think back to when Wyatt was a toddler, being watched by the Hawthorne's,.. a family in our precious Virginia village. I think about the significant impact that they have had on our lives. I laugh when I think about my no gun policy.( like of the plastic toy variety, guys) .. ..back to when my 2 year old Wyatt was fashioning guns from sticks and I said…Suzan, I’m not comfortable with guns….Aly, she said patiently….two year old boys will pretend ANYTHING is a gun. #truth

Can you imagine if I was the sole influence in that child’s life? ack. I sure can’t. Wyatt’s imagination is unreal. He wields both imaginary and wooden weaponry with vigor and always (of course) comes out the hero in the end. Shame on me for preventing him to play and use his imagination in a way that only I saw fit through my narrow lens.

Guys..we don’t have to be alone in this journey. Do you really want that burden? What is holding you back? Fear? Pride? Seeing yourself as a failure or that you are weak for seeking help?

The saying, it takes a village is no joke. This is not the first time I’ve written about it. I LOVE my village. 

Today. 

I phoned a friend.

I called it in.

I passed the baton.

I tagged out. 

Mercy I screamed!!!!

Alex in his own way said all of the above as well. However..it was done by throwing objects at my head. Hitting me in the face and having numerous meltdowns within a 30 minute period. We needed to not see each other’s faces for a couple hours. 

She came. My village swooped in, took my boy and loved on him in a way that my fatigued, drained mama body couldn’t. 

I relaxed while playing a wicked game of Mario Kart with my Wyatt and doing load after load of laundry. In peace. And. Quiet.

Our sermon series recently has been about being a control freak. I know I am one…and I know that the Lord is REALLY working in me, to relinquish that control. 

If you’ve got that village you love and trust, let them help you. Give up the reigns and let it go. For the good of you…and most of all for the good of your children.

Looking Up

Today is one of those days where I feel it is necessary to preface that I love my children because I'm going to be honest. 

I know there are stronger women than I out there.

But there are days I. just. can't.

The desire to run away is strong. 

I feel like I'm drowning. 

There is a permanent lump in my throat. Tears are bound to flow at a moments notice. 

I cry out for Jesus to just help me. Hold me. I feel weak, impotent, spent. 

I don't want to hear the whines, screams or crying. I don't want to be touched, pulled, kicked or peed on. 

Laundry mounts, sinks are full and everywhere I turn are goldfish crumbs. 

You've seen those hallmark movies or read the books, right? Where the mother flees the scene? We gasp and say we could never. 

I empathize. I feel that mother, because today? I. just.can't. 

My precious husband knows. He hands me the keys as I peel out of the driveway. He offers me a hotel room away, the bed to myself.. so I can recoup. So I can just think. Pray. Reflect without the noise.

Mamas. I feel you. Take a moment.

Look up. He's got you. 

Operation: Take bed back

August has been filled with lots of house changes and switcharoos. This makes my heart happy as I have a hard time with anything being in one place for too long. While I'm sure this speaks to bigger issues..we'll delve into that at a later time.
We moved Wyatt's bedroom downstairs despite my hesitations and Will's reassurances. Alex shifted over to Wyatt's bedroom and we've made Alex's room into a home office for Will and I.
I say Alex's "bedroom"loosely as he's been sleeping with us since the day he came into our lives 2 1/2 years ago. The night terrors have lessened but are no less painful to hear. The thrashing has subsided slightly, yet the kicks to the gut, head and privates are stronger and incredibly unfortunate in the middle of REM sleep. The pediatrician said about 8 months ago that Alex should transition to his own bed. Um. Sure. While I respect his opinion, I just wasn't ready to listen.
Now 8 months later, here I am. It's time. My problem is, it's so different then with Wyatt.  I'd let him cry for a bit and he was able to self soothe and go back to bed. But Alex...his cries pierce this adoptive mamma's heart. I missed the first year and a half with our boy. Who was lifting him from his crib or stroking his cheek during those early stages? All I know is,  it wasn't me...which leads me to this place...feeling conflicted.
So we've found a happy medium. I hope.
If you can believe this; Wyatt's old convertible crib is now Alex's and we have "converted" it into a full size bed. Which means we can ALL have our own space and hopefully get through REM uninterrupted without drop kicks to the groin. If he needs us, there is plenty of room to cuddle with him in his bed, while still preserving ours.
Again, only one night down *successfully* with lots of prayer, lavender and frankincense being diffused. I'll keep everyone posted, as I wouldn't want anyone out there to lose sleep over MY sleep.
On that note...g'nite.
And Just out of curiosity....which position have you found yourself in? We're in Roundhouse Kick Hell.

https://yldist.com/purelyoiled/

Today.

Is. The. Longest. Day. Ever.
Phone in Toilet Bowl.
Unruly Children.
Dropping $8.00 of dimes for the kids lunch all over the gas station floor.
Child spitting out lunch and screaming he doesn't like what he picked out 2 seconds after purchase.
Woman asking if Alex is mine.
Inability to locate anything I'm looking for within a house I am resisting to clean.
Why has time stood still?
What am I doing about it? Yelling, Sighing with exasperation, rolling my eyes.
I'm totally sweating the small stuff instead of looking at the big picture, treasuring what I have. I know this in my head. Putting it in practice is so much harder.
SO in the spirit of a do over, I will eat some chocolate, take a deep breath, pour on some happy oils, pray, apologize and ask forgiveness from my children and begin the countdown to 5:00....the socially acceptable time to crack open my beer. Cheers Mamas. Summer on.

Blue all over. You?

I am a lover of a good quiz. In fact just yesterday I discovered if I was going to be a descendant of a Greek God it would be Athena. Um, I'll take it (Thanks Wyatt ; ) But personality quizzes?...Well they're my favorite..which is why I was LOVING the color quiz we just took in my work group. It's forward thinking when everyone takes the time to figure out what makes their team tick. What is the other person's motivator? What lights their fire? What is their passion? I mean, how fascinating that this knowledge can help us all get to the same place taking different paths. We're obviously not all going to think, act or approach a situation in front of us the same way. My thinking is the sooner we figure that out and stop trying to change people and work with their God given gifts and talents the better. It's time we exhort one another instead of tearing them down for not being like us.

Unless of course they suck. That is a different issue in it's entirety.

So do me a favor. Take this. Then have your spouse, significant other or bestie take it as you and see if you're filling it out as someone you want to be rather then who you truly are.
http://marcaccetta.com/personality-test/
Tell me what color you are!!! I want to know!!!
So I took the quiz and I'm blue baby. I confirmed this with my hubby, so that is why I write with confidence. HA! Sometimes I don't trust myself.

BLUE TYPICAL CHARACTERISTICS

"They are fun loving. They live for the moment. They like bright things and happy people. They like to follow strong leadership as long as the leaders treat them nicely. They love a sense of humor in someone. They are very spontaneous. They are not very mindful of being on time. They are forgetful. They spend their money freely (don’t save much at all). They love to travel and have adventures. They love to be outside in the sunshine. They love being social and meeting new people."

I mean, this certainly does not describe me entirely, but it's pretty accurate. I'm followed up by a close yellow, then red and lastly green. I love how if I had taken this quiz years ago, my color would have been different. We're constantly evolving....continually changing. 

I love it. 

Ok. Stop reading this. Take the quiz. Mull it over. Feel free to share. Don't leave me hanging.

https://yldist.com/purelyoiled/ 

Digging Deep

Seeing as writing is therapy of sorts to me, I'll just lay it all out there. If it resonates, great. If you start reading and can't hit that red x in the corner of your screen fast enough..it's all good my friend.

Let me just jump right in. My feelings of inadequacies run long and deep. Sometimes,  I literally feel as if the left side of my brain ceases to function. Seriously. When faced with mathematics of any kind; science, equations, statistics, word problems....my pulse quickens, my eyebrow starts to twitch and my brain slowly starts to seize up. I can't concentrate, I try to make a joke to get out of the question asked, or I just deflect, deflect, deflect. How does that make me feel? Stupid. Dumb. Completely inadequate. If you know me well, you may know that I struggle and shut down emotionally when I do not feel validated, when I feel like my feelings, thoughts or words do not matter. (Hmmm.....circling back to feelings of stupidity and inadequacy....) My love language is words of affirmation which I'm pretty sure makes me nearly impossible to live with.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com

My jobs that I've had outside of the home, the ones that I felt good at, provided me with that verbal validation, that sought after adult conversation. When I was working outside of the home, I felt a sense of competence that I could do or be what I was created to be. I love working with people. I love seeing and delving into what makes people tick and how I can provide them necessary resources to becoming their best selves. I love a challenge, learning new skills and accomplishing tasks. I love fast paced environments and have a love/hate relationship with that nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach before a huge presentation and the state of euphoria when it's ended.

Motherhood. Like many many mothers before me, I feel like I'm half-assing it. I show up for the game, but a lot of times I feel like I'm shooting air balls from half court. I look back on my day and pray to God that that day is not going to be the reason my kids show up for their first therapy session when they're twenty-two. I'm not the first mom to voice these feelings of course. There's a lot of other better looking, savier mamas videoing themselves and making musicals on why motherhood is crazy and it's ok to feel this way. If I could hold a note and had better hair, I would totally sing this to you too. Shoot, I'd sing it to myself right now, because let's be real, I had a crappy day mom-ming and that has led to this post.  Please don't get me wrong- I feel immense gratification at my ability to stay home and be with my kids. I just love working too....the creativity, setting goals..it's so much more then a paycheck. I want...and NEED both.

So I started my search. When I was overseas, I maintained that connectedness and creativity by delving into direct sales. It's not my forte, trust me. Yeah...The irony is not lost on me...but for me it was fun to get together with friends, throw on some nail wraps and maybe make a few bucks in the process. It filled up some of my free time and filled the work void that I was looking for. When we moved back to the U.S., I knew I couldn't go back into the work force..the boys needed me at home. The little guy requires extra time and support and getting a full time job is just not in the cards right now. So where did that leave me? I took a look at what I was doing, where I spent my free time and where my current interests were directed. You know what? I see a woman I scarcely recognize. I've learned to NEVER say never. I didn't think I'd be living in Utah after living overseas for SIX YEARS in my very late thirties making lip balms and body butter while simultaneously preparing essential oils classes. But here I am.... #notquitekillingit.....Ha. I found I really love my oils and I love the products. It induces eye rolling and skepticism from some and curiosity and excitement from others. I've been lauded and made fun of. If it's not your thing, it's not your thing, but I promise you we can still be friends. It's the balance I found I needed. It has me excited, setting goals, meeting new people, pushing comfort zones, wondering how far I can take it.  I've got that nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of upcoming classes and that love/hate feeling is front and center. While my time is divided and some days (i.e. today) I feel less than, I feel more motivated than I have in a very long time.

Phew. Thanks for letting me unload. This motherhood/work balance is not easy. Maintaining your passions and sense of self while raising tiny civilized humans is not easy. It's all a delicate balance....so let's just support one another on this crazy journey and remain #notquitekillingittogether...Ok?*Deep Sigh*
Stay tuned.....

https://yldist.com/purelyoiled/

Crystal Bliss

“Crystal is the first truly expensive gift in the traditional anniversary list.  The costliness of crystal is representative of the sacrifice and investment the couple has made to the marriage over the past fifteen years.  Crystal also symbolizes clarity and transparency, reflecting the state of the couple's relationship.  They now know each other better than they know themselves.”

This becomes even more interesting to me when you take a look at the differing types of crystals. 

Covalent crystals are crystals whose atoms are connected with covalent bonds. Covalent bonds exist where the atoms share electrons. These bonds are extremely strong and very hard to break. Because of this, the crystals themselves are also very strong and have high melting points. Imagine gluing together beads with super glue. The super glue is the covalent bond. Now think of trying to glue beads together with a glue stick. They probably wouldn't hold together very well. The glue stick is analogous to another type of crystal we will talk about later. An example of a covalent crystal is a diamond, which is one of the hardest substances known to man.

Metallic Crystals:

Individual metal atoms sit on lattice sites while the outer electrons from these atoms are able to flow freely around the lattice. Metallic crystals normally have high melting points and densities.These crystals sparkle with the lustrous sheen we think of metals having. They are extremely good conductors of heat and electricity.

Ionic Crystals:

This is a crystal where the individual atoms don't have covalent bonds between them, but are held together by electrostatic forces. An example of this type of crystal is sodium chloride (NaCl). Ionic crystals are hard and have relatively high melting points.I

Molecular Crystals:

This is a crystal where there are recognizable molecules in the structure and the crystal is held together by non-covalent interactions like van der Waals forces or hydrogen bonding. An example of this type of crystal would be sugar. Molecular crystals tend to be soft and have lower melting points. Molecular crystals are crystals formed from weak bonds called hydrogen bonds. these bonds are very weak,,,, 

See what I mean? Not all crystals are created equal. Some have strong bonds, others weak. Another is held together by an electrostatic force while the other is sweet to the taste but can’t take the heat.  The same comparisons could be said of couples…

One would hope by the time you get to your fifteenth year with your spouse, your beloved, your chosen one, that there is more clarity, transparency… that you know them better than any other. 

Me? I chose a winner. I love this covalent bond I share with my spouse. Each year we have been together has been filled with new and deeper adventures, complications, stressors, intimacy, and knowledge that I had ever thought possible. Across the span of the past fifteen years we have developed a very strong, hard to break bond. He is my champion- my biggest fan, my rock. Will is a practical minded man of deep rooted faith and integrity. He is gentle, loving, sensitive and an amazing father. 

Marriage can be so hard. There are peaks and valleys. You are walking through the feast, famine, desert, and lush pastures with this person you chose to do life with. Seasons fly by quickly as do the little moments. I have learned to watch my tongue, be more thoughtful…try to be more sensitive..more of what my man deserves. HE deserves the very best- I can scarcely find the words to express how much I appreciate and love him.  He is my greatest treasure here on earth.  Happy Fifteenth Babe. 

The quibbling of an emotional mother

I never thought I was going to be a mother. I thought there were women better suited, more compassionate, more loving, patient, gentle and kind..and yet here I am- a mother of two. Some days are fist pump worthy and others? Well, I just apologize, crawl under the covers and start again the next day.

It was at church that my mind started wandering and I thought about the moms whose children had left the house..moved away- grown men and women with families of their own- how will they celebrate? When my sons are grown, will they call me? Visit me? Miss me? These fleeting moments that I'm spending with my boys- will they remember? Will they cherish them? Will they tell them to their sons and daughters as a delightful bedtime story as they reminisce about their childhood? Will I be an older woman with regrets of what I should have or could have done? Will my children harbor resentments and untold hurts against me? To raise a child for decades only to see them once a year with an occasional obligatory phone call rips at my soul.

I think back to the day I found out I was becoming a mother. The mix of joy and horror- the fear of the unknown. The fluttering I felt when this child began moving in me for the first time. The endless months of vomiting, Dr's appointments and the anticipation of this child's arrival. The moment I was told I was having a girl and stared blankly at Will as he stared blankly back until we were told it was a mistake and we both sighed deeply. His reentry into the hospital with jaundice and the terror I felt that I was going to lose him. My feelings of inadequacies of having a first born. What do I do, how do I act? Will I break him? All the firsts. Seeing our Wyatt for the first time, loving him but not feeling that immediate attachment that I thought all mother's had. Faking it til' I was making it. Seeing him develop. His sense of humor. His sensitivity. His sweetness. A mother's pride. Finally feeling that attachment and the fierceness of a mother's love.

I think back to the day we chose to adopt. The choice to become a mother of two. The mix of joy and horror-the fear of the unknown. The fluttering I felt when I opened the email in my inbox and read a  biography about a little boy. The endless months of meetings, background checks, paper trails and the anticipation of his arrival. Walking through the MRT station in Taiwan looking at grown Asian men and teenagers, wondering if that's what my son would look like one day. Tears streaming down my face in public places became commonplace as I thought of my son...my inability to hold him, love him, nurture him. all the firsts that we missed. All the firsts that we experienced. Seeing our Alex for the first time. Loving him, feeling that attachment and praying to God he felt it as well. My feelings of inadequacies as we brought him home. My helplessness to "fix" the problems. Faking it til' I was making it. Seeing him develop. His sense of humor. His bravery. His resilience. His zest for life. A mother's pride. Experiencing a love for two boys that I did not feel was possible.

I'm thinking of the mothers today who have experienced the loss of being unable to bear a child, those that have lost a child, or those unable to care for their child and then selflessly placed them in the arms of another woman. I think of the women AND men who have lost their mothers and the indescribable grief that must sear one's heart at a loss so great.

I'm trying to pull myself together here. Seriously I'm an emotional basket case right now. Anyone else like that today? Right before I started writing this, as I was tucking the boys into bed and with Will out of town, Wyatt asked if he could sleep with me. I rolled my eyes. ugh. My perfect opportunity to starfish hindered by a ten year old body. But these moments are fleeting- and one day he may not call me, visit or miss me, but tonight? He wants to cuddle with me....so pardon me while I end this here.

Ergo....

Alex and I butt heads and test one another on a daily basis. I lose my temper? He throws himself on the ground and begins beating his head. I raise my voice to discipline? He laughs in defiance. He’s small, he’s quiet and I lose him in the house on a daily basis. He’s smart and strong-willed. He’s a dare-devil who loves to leap from high places. People gasp. I sigh. 

I love him. From the depths of my heart to the bottom of my toes I love him. I mourn that I was not the mother who carried him in my womb and brought him into this world. I anguish on the fact that he did not feel my love for him the moment he was conceived, that it was not me who was able to provide him safety and nourishment within the womb and cradle his sweet face and nuzzle his little neck his first day on earth.

I’ve had to parent him entirely differently from Wyatt and a lot of days I feel broken and incapable. I know that the Lord is using Alex in my life to stretch, mold and break me into a better, stronger person. His inability to communicate his needs in a clear way forces me to listen, repeat, listen, repeat…and focus on what he’s trying to say. He snaps me into having to be present…REALLY present. The Lord has broken me into learning patience. The Lord is dealing with my anger issues. Alex is my emotional barometer. Each emotion I display is reflected in my child’s behaviors. There is nothing more simultaneously humbling and horrifying. The Lord has brought the hammer down on my judgmental spirit. We have no idea what another human being is going through. Instead of an eye roll, I ask that momma if she needs help getting things to her car. A mother’s kid is screaming and tantruming in the store? I tell that mom.. You got this. A kid looks like he hasn’t bathed in days and is eating an ice cream cone? I get it. Do whatchya gotta do. I have no idea what I’m doing. There was a picture on Facebook that I posted of Alex in the ergo. It had been months since I had put him in that ergo. Naturally it was another day of ultimate nap resistance despite him needing one, and he was beside himself. I was beside myself. So I threw him in the pack….he was feeling my frustration, my anger, my exasperation…and I believe in those moments he just needs to know I’m there, despite myself, and he needs to feel my love for him despite what I may be saying or showing. So in the pack he goes and he immediately settled and fell asleep. I feel uncomfortable with people saying I wish you were my mom, you’re so sweet…on and on….because no-one saw the moments leading up to that raw picture of seeming sweetness. It is only by God’s grace that I get through the day. It is only by his strength that I make it to the end of the day without having verbally torn my children to shreds. I am a work in progress….and I am thankful for my savior who daily packs me into his ergo and holds me close…because momming is hard..and I’m pretty sure it does not get any easier. 

Thank God it’s Friday.

Brown cylinders and date nights

Will and I stared into the tub, willing those dark cylinders at the bottom of that murky water to be lego figures. Please be legos, please be legos, please be legos.......
ALEX.......are those your toys?????
MO.
He was not lying.
Sighing deeply, Will and I looked at one another and our minds synchronized as only fifteen years of marriage can allow our minds to do and we both silently/not so silently called it.
WE NEED A DATE. 
I read an interesting blog article the other day that talked about married couples and date nights. I think the general gist was that an hour in a restaurant does not make a marriage (which is exactly what the title said); she doesn't date much with her hubby, and it's about living the vows they made daily, in the trenches...date when possible, but not to waste their days....
I get it.
I appreciate the writer's sentiment and I agree with her that marriage is fun and meaningful with or without date nights. There is nothing that makes me love my hubby more then getting down and dirty in the trenches of our sweet life and doing that life together. I appreciate Will and the sacrifices he makes. I adore when he comes home after running to grab eggs(Cadbury included) at the store,  gives the little one a bath, and doesn't utter a single complaint about eating pasta from a box....again. One of my favorite things to do is to sit on my rocker with him on our tiny porch drinking a cold beer while we both watch the kids play on our patch of grass. Both boys would pile into our bed every night if given the opportunity and our sweet Alex, our sleep struggler often times always ends up snuggled between Will and I. Every. Night.
A dinner out in that corner booth the writer was talking about will not save an unhealthy broken marriage. A dinner out in a corner booth will definitely breathe a breath of fresh air into a marriage that needs a minute from the murky cylinders on the bottom of the tub. A dinner in a corner booth where you can hold hands with your spouse without speaking may be just what the Dr. ordered. A moment to pour open and vomit out thoughts, feelings and emotions that have been piling up for a few weeks may be imperative.
With all that being said -date night does not have to be a dinner out in that elusive corner booth...Perhaps we need to rethink what a "date night" means. What it comes down to is carving out that time. Being creative. "Penciling" it into the electronic calendar. Writing it down will be a reminder to me...Aly, wash your hair. GET OUT OF ACTIVE WEAR. For me, these scheduled pockets of time are times of refreshment, revitalization with the outcome of being a better self with my love and a better mom for my kids.
Without these scheduled periods of reconnecting I feel spent, tired and a little bitter if I'm going to be honest.  For the last few months I've ordered date boxes for Will and I to have a night in, sans kids (i.e. continued yelling at them to leave the room we're sequestered in) and to reconnect with one another after a tiring couple couple weeks at our jobs. It has been so much fun, and he's been a great sport about rolling with it.
Whatever it is do it. Carve it out. Your marriage deserves it.

Nothing to see here- just us Cheese balls

Nothing exotic or awe-inspiring going on here. I'm trying to find simple treasures in the ordinary. Humor in the every day adventures of mom-ming. Cue my last shopping adventure to our local Harmon's.

Seeing as it was a Saturday, I had the luxury of sleeping in; waking up to the bright sun outside and dressed for the warmer weekend in cute jean Capri's that I actually fit into again and my new converse sneakers. I looked freaking adorable, with the exception of my hair, which was having some serious issues. Nothing that couldn't be tamed by pushing sunglasses on top of my head in place of a headband.. like I said..freaking adorable. 

Caffeine. I needed caffeine. I stared at my coffee pot. It stared back and wasn't going to brew itself. *Sigh.* Will had gone back into work for a couple hours and I stared at the boys after staring at my silent coffee pot . I needed coffee, it was gorgeous out and we needed to kill some time. We were walking to the grocery store. 

With new tires on my jogging stroller that I, at this time only use for leisurely strolls, and random piles of crap on the bottom of it which included a 6 month bag of popcorn and some clothing items that I didn't have the energy to remove, we headed out. 

As we were crossing the highway a middle-schooler who was skateboarding in the opposite direction called out, NICE SHIRT!! I was wearing my Operation Underground Railroad tee. I smiled to myself. Clearly I was killing it today. 

We had a few extra items to pick up, all which would fit perfectly under the stroller. A few items ended up turning into a lot more, but still looked like it would fit. I eyeballed the checkout lanes....Ugh. I HATE self check out, but we were still under the required amount, and The Wyatt loves scanning. Because I'm such a great mom, I thought, sure. Let's go crazy and self scan today. After codes were typed in and the lady came over like 4 times to clear our screen because WE DIDN'T WANT A FREAKING BAG and Alex got his sticker, I shoved all our items under the stroller and we were finally ready to get my coffee. Sweet mother. 

With my order placed, we traipsed over to my iced coffee where a sweet, slightly older then high school looking girl sat smiling at me on a stool by my coffee. Excuse me, she said. Oh man. She  wants to tell me how cute I look today....oh the burdens I bear..... Seriously people. These are my narcissistic thoughts. Like, for real. Yes?? I ask with a confident, knowing smile. Well....I didn't want to embarrass you when you were standing in line....

Ugh. This conversation had taken an ugly turn. Did I have a poopy pull-up somewhere on my person?? Something was on me. CRAP. Something was definitely on me. Where was it. Shhhhhoooot. 

Yes?  I asked this again taken down a couple notches. 

Well, the lady at the self service counter didn't want to embarrass you but she thinks you forgot to scan a cheese ball.

I heard, embarrass you and cheese ball. Oh for the love of all things..I have a cheese ball in my hair??My hand flew to lightly touch my hair. We didn't eat cheese balls for breakfast. Crap. Did we eat cheese balls for breakfast?

Wait. That's not what she said. 

What? OH...um....I handed her my receipt.....the Cheez-Its...did I pay for those? 

No that's on there....she said she thought she saw a cheese ball. I'm so sorry. I'm sure it was just an accident...

Ok. I was finally tracking with what she was saying. Took me long enough. I stared longingly at my coffee which I had not yet picked up. ugh. Stupid non existent cheese ball. She didn't know that though...SO

I unloaded everything on the grocery store floor in front of her. Item by item.

She was mortified. I think it was that really old bag of popcorn...I really needed to throw that out..particularly if it's being mistaken for a cheeseball....I actually felt really bad for her, she kept apologizing....

But at the end of the day..everyone has a job to do. I told her this. Hers was to ensure I wasn't pilfering a cheese ball and mine was to respect her position and show my boys that their mother was gracious without coffee and could remain polite despite a silly mistake. 

At the end of the day we all left content, me with my coffee and ALL of us with a hankering for some cheese. 

Career Day.....

I have been struggling with mom-dem lately. I don't know what my issue is. I don't know why I feel like any kind of self-worth is wrapped up in a paycheck. I don't know why I am struggling with working within the home as of late.  That is why I started to laugh...kinda, sorta,  not really... when Wyatt brought home a flier about career day. Hmmm. If I had balls enough to do it, I'd sign up and get started on my powerpoint...but I don't so I'll just lay out my presentation here. Thanks for listening.

Investment- a devoting, using, or giving of time, talent, emotional energy, etc., asfor a purpose or to achieve something ((dictionary.com)
Engineer- a person trained and skilled in the design, construction, and use of engines or machines, or in any of various branches of engineering : a mechanical engineer; a civil engineer. 2. a person who operates or is in charge of an engine. a skillful manager (dictionary.com)

Hi. My name is Alyson Cooper and I'm an Investment Engineer of a small outfit called Cooper Inc. This is a co-ownership that my husband and I have ventured into together, however my husband works two jobs, so I assume a large portion of the day to day responsibilities of the company when he is unavailable. Let me say however- without him, I would not reach even half of my potential within this business.
Currently Cooper Inc. is running with two employees, a perfect number in my opinion. While I have learned never to say never due to the fact that God laughs as soon as that word is uttered from my lips, I am confident in the assessment that I would be unable to handle additional employees and function at normal human capacity at this time. I.E....I would freak. So no, we are not seeking out further employees at the time if you are looking to change corporations.
My job responsibilities include a certain degree of the following: flexibility and empathy with a working knowledge of how to clean, cook, read, drive and maintain appropriate health and nutrition.Oh yeah...and financial management. That one is critical apparently.  One must be playful with a cheerful attitude, have the ability to lift anywhere from 20-50 pounds daily, possess a certain degree of physical and mental aptitude with problem solving-skills, have infinite patience and the ability to maintain enough organizational wherewithal  to manage multiple schedules and to do so in a punctual manner. This all must be done on approximately 4-6 hours of sleep.
Basically Mary Poppins on crack. 
Our two employees could not possibly  be any more different. The skill set you have to work with one, will not work for the other. Rewards that work for one, will not work for the other. One is a rule follower while the other is not. I have found that I have to be extremely creative, stick to a schedule that both are comfortable with, outline the day precisely with little digression and possess the ability to repeat tasks without losing my ever-loving mind.
Bribery is completely acceptable within my line of work.
Describe an average day of work.
One of the exciting things about Investment Engineering is that you NEVER know what you're going to wake up to! Crazy exciting right?! Each day is anything but normal. In fact, you almost crave normality in this job! Sleep is at a premium since we engineers are on the clock and can be summoned by our employees anytime during a 24 hr period. Our employees can be high risk, demanding, whiny, moody, wiley, forgetful, dirty and sometimes just gross. One currently is still defecating himself. I know what you're thinking. BUT on the flip side they can also be loving, caring, sensitive, warm, inviting and SO much fun. Investment Engineering is a high stress job, so when looking at the big picture, you have to soak up that side of the list that hugs your heart so that it acts as a salve when the other behaviors are playing out.
Ensuring that the Physical, Social, Emotional and Spiritual well-being of both my employees are met is paramount. While I am only human, it is imperative that I have a mental checklist going daily to see how our employees are faring and what I can do to be a loving source of encouragement. We HAVE to be our employees biggest fans. We HAVE to be in their corner and be fierce advocates for them if the situation arises. This is not to say that we let them do what they want, but we have to lovingly hold them accountable so that they can live their lives in a Godly, compassionate, courageous manner. As Investment Engineers, we are investing in our employees lives.. in their future.....in their spouses future if that is a path they choose to take.
NO PRESSURE. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
If you choose to go into Investment Engineering, the investment is high, and the initial payout may sometimes feel low. Unless you're looking for hugs, kisses and boogers...in which case, that payout is HUGE. HOWEVER...payment accrues over the years and while it takes a signifigant amount of time to see the investment, it pays you back in spades. I am told this. I am still within the initial payout phase. I'd be happy to follow up with the class in approximately twenty to thirty years.
You may be thinking. Whoa. Um....I'm not ready for that kind of career. I get it. I said the same thing. I went to school for 20 years to do something entirely different. And one day I may take a second job and do that as well. That's the incredible thing about Investment Engineering. There are SO many different types of personalities and ways to run your companies. There is not ONE right way to do it. Successful Investment Engineers see the big picture and work toward small, daily, acheivable goals. Investment Engineers all look and act different. What works in one company may not fly in another. Owning your own company is hard...it's something you really should take a lot of time to discuss and go over before jumping into.
Help students to see the connection between academics and your career
UMMMMMM....As I just mentioned..I went to school for 20 years. I know. You do not need your Masters or a PHD to become an Investment Engineer. What IS helpful is to have common sense and a strong support network. You will find that while yes, it is helpful to have a basic knowledge of 4th grade math (I don't)...it may be better for the relationship of you and your employee if you just send them to a tutor...because some battles aren't worth your relationship.....but I digress.
I think what the school is looking for is for me to say education is important to and will help with this future career....so there you go.
I have attached requested visual aids below and have described each briefly.
I hope I didn't scare any of you away from this career path. Despite challenges you may face, I feel myself growing more as a person daily. The woman I was when I set out in the start up phase of this company is not who I am now- and that is a good great thing.
One day, should you advance onto this career path and you feel like you can't make it through the day...if your employees are loved, fed and alive, you have done an incredible job....Tomorrow is always a brand new day.
Thanks so much for listening and having me in today.


Visual Aids

Investment Engineers all look different

Fiction

Reality

A few job responsibilities of the Investment Engineer